Things are way out of line
I have only made one post so far this month with this one being the second. The blog lately hasn’t been a source of motivation to get out of debt anymore. Some of the comments I get are very useful for me to gain an outside third person perspective on our situation. Thanks for your support and encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
The money issues and debt has been a stress for me over the summer. I thought we could get on track by paying off a large amount of debt and keep the ball moving forward. My wife went through months of trying to find a teaching job which provided a lot of free time. Now that she has a job, it’s taking up more time she thought she had in a day. I’m getting tired of trying to make sure our finances are on track. We only see each other a few hours in the evening.
I can’t believe the comments that people have made lately. First I was being labeled as some egomaniacal control freak when it came to spending money and paying debt. Then if I don’t try to control anything I’m letting the spending and debt increase. If I let the spending continue and pay off the debt, it’s just enabling a behavior to continue. The comments that bought the farm are those suggesting divorce as some sort of solution.
I don’t have the answers to the problem anymore. Going into debt is simple, you spend money you don’t have. It is much more difficult than I thought it would be to get out of debt. I’m just as much to blame as her for the mess we’re both in. We need to get out of debt but I can’t do it alone anymore.
Just ignore the comments. I receive a lot of negative comments, and I just roll with them. If the comments are extremely hurtful, delete them.
Good luck!
Putting it all out there is a scary thing for people to do. It’s admirable that you are doing this for an audience that you don’t know.
I’m the one in the household that does all the budgeting and bill paying. It’s not that my husband couldn’t or doesn’t want to. I work in accounting and actually like doing it and he likes to let me. We communicate about what we need to buy and what we have available etc. and have worked out a system.
It just might take you are your wife a bit to find your system but you can do it. Don’t give up and ignore the people who are not being helpful with their comments.
The simple fact that you are trying to do something means you are way ahead of the game than most people. Have a great day!
Don’t listen to people that advocate for divorce so quickly. These are the same people that jump ship because things might get hard. Your blog is an inspiration and you and your wife will come through this. You are doing the right thing by trying to include your wife in the decision making she just might need some time to come around. Let her know you consider you a full fledged partner and value her input. She can’t like the parent/child roles you seem to have been playing any more then you do. Try to include mini dream goals (like 1 romantic night away)along with your debt goals so that you can live a little also and rejuvenate your relationship. If she is working towards your dream goals also instead of throwing everything at debt she may be inclined to not spend on frivelous things. Just my 2 cents on things. You are doing the right thing and you will get through this.
Divorce is not going to solve anything, it will leave you with less income and half the debt.
Your wife likes to shop (who doesn’t) so maybe you need to give the wife an allowance, for me it was $400 a month for my wife, she’s also a teacher and works very hard so she can have that money for anything. BUT make it clear, no more using credit cards, if she wants a new purse etc she needs to wait until payday.
You can’t quit now, the debt will still be there tomorrow.
HS
To be honest, I don’t care whether you stay married or not. But that doesn’t mean I think you should take the advice of perfect strangers either. However, I think what many notice here is that it’s rare that you mention any blame on your part. Whether you’ve meant to or not, you’ve put a lot of the blame on your wife. Maybe folks wouldn’t be so quick to think there’s a problem with your marriage if that weren’t the case. Just a thought.
Don’t worry about the negative comments. Aren’t things getting a little better now with two solid incomes?
You can’t let other negative people drag you down. You are married to your wife for better or worse. Unfortuantely, there will be many times in your married life that you both will go through worse. But, you have to commite to staying the course and press on. I know that it is a very large burden to bare by yourself but you CAN do this. Don’t let others detour you from your goal. Just think how good it will feel when you reach your goal and you you can actually say “I AM DEBT FREE”!! It will be awesome. Use this site for encourgement and if someone says negative things just delete the comment or ignore them. You can do anything you set your mind to. I am also in your debt situation and it can be very discouraging but we must stick together and encourage one another. Continue your great work!!
Press On,
DLD
I have worked with this company called The Liability Consulting Group. They showed me how to eliminate all my debt including my mortgage in a third of the time. They have a great program that really works. The agent i used name is Nick. He was extremely helpful. You can e-mail him at Nick@theliabilityconsultinggroup.com
Ignore the negative and keep focusing on your goals. You are on your way, you’ve made great progress so far and don’t let the negative create speed bumps, just move around them and keep going.
My husband and I worked really hard for two years to pay down our debt and I thought we were on the same page but the truth is we weren’t. It wasn’t until we really talked about our future goals and how to get there that we really came together. Now we have a shared focus - stay on budget and pay off our student loans one at a time. I would recommend that you and your wife talk about your short and long term goals. I think this would help you to strengthen your team together, and when you feel like a stronger team it will give you the boost you’re looking for. Talk to her about what are her short term goals - like 6 months from now - and long term goals - 2 years from now. Take this into consideration, are they the same goals you have? Where do you both meet eye to eye? Find those things that you come together on and focus as a team. Maybe she’s not in the ‘pay off all debt zone’ right now but maybe she can focus on something else that’s important to you both. Find where you come together and use that to strengthen your team. Stay together, focus on working as a team and ignore the negative stuff.
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I think it’s a really tough situation to be in where one party is gung ho on getting out of debt and another just doesn’t care.
I had a friend who was a spender - her parents gave her everything, her husband let her spend spend spend. Funny thing is her husband was in charge of the bills and tried to get her to spend within their means but to no avail. When they got married, they both decided to go to Hawaii on vacation & neglect to pay their rent or their car payment. Her husband knew they needed to pay for the car + rent but couldn’t talk his wife out of going and off they went. The car was cosigned by her mother in law and when the repo company came, the in laws & parents finally said, “enough is enough!” They had the money to bail her out of her rent + prevent her car from getting repo’d, but they didn’t. They let the car get repo’d and they let the apartment complex sue them for the rent & for the next 5 years after lawyer fees + taxes + other fees, they had a lien & the apartment complex were able to garnish his and her + the in law’s paychecks. The point to this story is that her actions will impact you and I think what a lot of posters are trying to say is that once things blow it, it probably won’t be good.
I don’t believe in divorce myself and would try to work it out but it sounds like you just need to find a way to communicate with your wife in a way that she will respond positively to.
Good luck!
Jim:
I know times are tough. We are going through the same situation in our house. Financial hardship is one of the biggest factors that can tear marriages apart. Mine too is a bit strained. First off, igrnore everyone elses opinion. In my house I turened the budgeting over to my wife, and I get the updates, and ask the questions. It has helped a lot. In addition, see what other options you may have in regards to your debt.
Most of all you marriage anf you health come first, take care of those things.
Jim, I haven’t read your blog from the start, and I assume the “get divorced” issue came from comments. As I’m sure you know, you are a saver and your wife is a spender. It will take time to figure out how to work things out financially. You might have to go at a slower pace to pay off the debt. I’m sorry you’ve had some negative comments, constructive criticism is one thing… but mean spirited comments are another thing altogether. I know you are anxious to just get it paid off, and I hope you can get her to feel the same way soon. You could also turn off your comments, some bloggers have done that. But like you say it is nice to have feedback. Maybe you could put in the section before the comments that you would prefer positive feedback and constructive criticism only. Hang in there, I hope you find out what will work for you and your wife to get in sync with your budget.
It isn’t true you’d incur her student debt if you divorced. Not that you are considering it, but that is incorrect.
Anyway, I’m sorry people have been so rude. I hope your blog can provide you with some motivation again. Good luck!
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