Trying to control the money
I’m actually glad it’s a Monday for a change. Friday is payday and we have no money until then. Right now I’m the sole breadwinner between my wife and me. The student teaching she did for no money was rough and we had to get through that. I never really liked or understood why they cannot pay student teachers since they’re still doing a job. Now she’s done with that and graduated.
We’re half way through the month and I am a little concerned that nothing has happened yet. She puts in applications into places and then has to go get tests done, background check, and a lot of run around. Why wasn’t she informed about the process before now I have no idea? At the same time, no job and no income either.
I’m frustrated about how we’re going about spending money now. There’s only so much money for the month, and the normal household expenses usually stay consistent. Last month we spent way more than what came in, along with the car insurance bill. Now is the time to really assess what we’re spending money on. When we were in the grocery store the other day, I was adding in my head what we were getting. My wife doesn’t always think about the cost of things, so when I reminded her we only have so much in the account, she got upset. I’m doing my best here trying to keep things together, but at times I feel like she could be doing more.
There have been plenty of comments in the past that we’re never going to get anywhere unless we’re on the same page. I agree with that, which is why I’ve stopped trying to pay off debt for now. There is no point in my efforts unless my wife also believes in the cause. I just want to focus on the necessary expenses right now. When the bills come in I track their balances and payments due. It will take a long time to clear the balances when we only pay the minimum required monthly payment. This is where those DMP and credit counseling programs catch her attention. I don’t like resorting to something like that, but the idea of those is you pay one monthly payment and they distribute it between the creditors involved. There’s a specific chart and a roadmap of how long it will take to be debt free. It would be great to get rid of credit cards, but I don’t think we need a program to do this.
I also brought up the sour subject of student loan debt. These loans can’t go anywhere quickly when we are still working on our credit card debt. Getting rid of credit card debt is more important than paying off student loans. It just takes time and sacrifice to dedicate the income towards the cause. I only have so much control over money, and that’s not saying much.
this is a combined response to this post and the previous
Even if nothing of hers is in your name, and vice versa, any new debt added while married is both of your responsiblity. Any new weatlh you generate (including making house payents, your retirement accounts) is half hers. Ah, marriage.
I know that it is not your fault that she is not being realistic, but you don’t have to give into her demand for coach purses. I watch real housewives of OC too, but I don’t try to emulate that life on my salary! It must be a rough spot to be in. But if she doesn’t get on the same page as you ASAP the problem will only grow… I sincerely wish you good luck–this is obviously a bad situation to be in.
“If the average college graduate earns 1M more in their lifetime, I think the difference will be made up in the 900k.”
What about the average college grad who got a teaching degree? It is very easy to get into a lot of debt in college, and much harder to pay it back. But you are right, there is no need to dwell on it. You have a great attitude, but you are only 1/2 of the marriage.
Actually, I think that just making a budget and keeping to it is enough for you guys right now. As long as you spend less than you make and you don’t take on more debt, the debts will get smaller automatically every month. Your wife’s student loans are truly frightening, but she could pay them off in years rather than decades if you guys were aggressive and lived on your salary. That formulation may be appealing to your wife. Another issue is that when/if you have kids, your wife may want to cut back a bit during those early years (and even if she doesn’t, childcare is expensive, so you’ll need extra money for that). Her crushing debt load may mean that she will have to work more than she wants to. Please talk to her about your long-term plans–she may not yet realize that the choices she is making now will restrict her choices down the road.
(By the way, I believe debt consolidation can hurt your credit (and some of them are out and out frauds), but you’ll need to talk to an expert.)
I’d like to add that having a family is surprisingly expensive, especially when you’re trying to live the yuppie lifestyle. When my husband and I were both graduate students, we rented cheaply and ate out a lot and I often bought a hundred dollars of books a week, but we did fine. Nowadays, my husband has an excellent salary, but I’m home, we have a five year old in private school and a two year old who’ll be going to private school in a couple years, and our rental costs are higher. My budget says we have just over $300 for groceries and msc. expenses until the end of the month. I feel broke and stressed out, but our debt is going down $475 a month, and we’ll be debt-free in under two years, and then we can start saving at that rate. That is fantastic, but I get very impatient waiting for the month to end.
Good luck!
I know it’s tough. I’m not in a bad situation at all, personally. I have about $13K in student loans and under a grand in credit cards. I pay what I can, but we also have a second house that isn’t selling that I’m having to store money for.
It’s hard to go out, and go shopping, and instead of thinking about what you want, you have to think of what you can afford.
My wife and I are on similar pages, but not quiet the same. She’s more realistic and dramatic than I am. I’m a believer in trying to enjoy yourself, in a bad situation. For example, last friday, I took her out to eat and to a movie. Total price of the date $8.68.
Seriously.
We went to the $1 movie and watched Fred Clause. We also ate at Wendy’s and I had a small soda, small chili, and a chicken sandwhich, she had water, small chili, and a baked potato.
We’ve made a game out of saving money. Now the idea is to get excited about saving, and seeing who can save the most at the grocery store.
Of course, as I said we are on closer pages than it would appear your wife is on.
I’m not sure how old you and your wife are, but I think you mind need to sit down and open up the communication lines. It sounds like you guys are on heading down the railroad tracks without any breaks.
The more I read your previous posts, you are beginning to foster resentment towards your wife for her lack of interest in financial matters. My wife ended up taking my pay check, and giving me an allowance. It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested in pay things or trying to find new debts, it was because her job, as we discussed, was to pay all our bills and debts, and my job was to work, invest our extra money, and focus on the bigger picture.
The majority of marriages fail because of financial issues. Break the cycle, sit down with her and ask her to help you. Above everything, listen more than you talk. There is a reason she is the way she is. You don’t have to change her, just open her mind a little, and ask her to work towards your finances as much as she is working on the marriage, and as much as she works on her career. Make that the minimum effort expected out of both of you, and everything else, will fall in to place.
Let’s not call it an allowance, though–you’re not her daddy. (Ewww.) Each of you can have a small “mad money” fund for unncessary quality-of-life purchases (Starbucks, a magazine, etc.) that you don’t have to explain to the other, but you go over the rest of your expenditures with a microscope, and you figure out how to pare down your expenses and increase your income. (By the way, I bet your wife could pick up some work doing aftercare, doing SAT or other tutoring, or working at Sylvan or whatever. There’s a big private sector in education these days. You don’t have to sit back and wait for the powers that be to give you substitute teaching gigs. Depending on your area, she could also make respectable money doing babysitting. At least in the DC area, I was paying $10 an hour to undergraduate sitters and $12 an hour to grad students, even when the kids were asleep. Now that we’re in Texas, it seems like the market rate for sitters is still $10 an hour. It’s not big money, but making $10 an hour is a lot better than spending $10 an hour.)
Jen - Yes any new debts will be ours. However, I bought the house before we were married so if it gains any equity above and beyond, that could be an issue. Student loans she took out in her name fall on her though, not both of us. Either way we both have debt we created, and some created while we were married. It has to get paid one way or another.
A budget would be a great idea, but I don’t think it would be followed very well. She was complaining to me last night about how much she doesn’t like this situation. Normally she does not even feel the effect of the situation that we’re in because I find ways to balance out the monthly expenses. I found that I could offset some expenses that happened earlier in the month with money from later in the month. I’m not doing this anymore which is why after all the bills got paid, there wasn’t much money left. At the same time I want her to step up now while I stand down.
A lot of my frustration boils down to her finding a job. There is a job out there that will pay her, but she has to find it. Even something temporary until the other things she applied for start to pick up for her. I’m a pro-active person and like to see things to completion. I know it takes time to get into some jobs, but she could be doing something while waiting. We both need to at least be working before we start working together on our financial goals.
I was listening to Brian Preset, the money guy podcast, last night while running and he was talking about how they do that with social security. They use money we pay in now, to pay benefits to those today. So it’s like a ponzi scheme where you use future money to pay for current debts. In the end, your not better off than getting a pay day loan and getting a loan on what you are about to make. Eventually, you will be working for money you’ll never get.
I’m sorry to hear that your wife isn’t cooperative. It’s too bad that she doesn’t see the bigger picture…
From your wife’s point of view, and from yours, everything will be better once she gets a job. It may be better, but you should talk about mad money and limits on what you can both spend, or you’ll find you’re making excuses to spend in excess of what you make and the resentment will build on both your parts.
Based on conversations with my own wife (even after many years of marriage), she probably doesn’t want to look at spreadsheets, cost estimates, or be reminded of this overwhelming debt on a daily basis. What I think you both need is to relax a little. She’s probably as stressed as you are and is similarly frustrated that she doesn’t have a teaching job lined up already. Surprise her with something, a flower, an inexpensive gift, or just a card. Talk about some dreams for the future instead of just the frustration of the present. Keep in mind that her frustration may be coming out in interviews, and if she relaxes a bit, that may allow her to come across better and you can both get what you want.
While the blog only puts out one side of your life and the picture we’re getting could be very skewed, you might want to take a step back for a moment and reconnect with each other on what you both want as far as some goals other than financial. Dream a bit and don’t let it collapse back into a discussion about the money. One of the nicer gifts you can give yourself, once she’s working, is plan on a reasonable vacation somewhere. Don’t know if you’ve done all this, but it can’t hurt.
Student loans that come to term while you are married belong to both of you. Which means that you own yours and you will both own hers, assuming you got married more than 6 months after you graduated (other wise you will both own the loan).
That sucks that she’s not on board with the savings. My hubby and I had that problem earlier in our marriage and still do to a degree (except he’s the spender). He’s a big picture person so can see why it’s good to save, and felt really guilty for bringing so much debt into our marriage…debt that we had to pay off together (We’ve gone from 38k to currently at 17k–not counting the mortgage–in a little over a year). We did it by jointly discussing purchases over $50 and paying down the debt as part of our bills (sort of a Pay Yourself First). He was on board with not spending over the difference between income and debt pay-down. Also, we moved to Chicago to find better paying jobs in our industry (Computer Programming), which helped a lot.
Good luck!