The cost of Christmas, lost momentum
I haven’t posted in awhile because it’s been a busy time as December comes in. At work there are projects that have to get done before I am on vacation. At home there are all kinds of things going on like putting up the lights on the house and setting up the tree. It’s a lot of work to go to all this trouble when the stuff is only used for one month in the year (at least for most people). Then the ultimate question comes in, how much are we spending for Christmas?
Did we put money aside to prepare for Christmas? No.
Do we have a budget for Christmas? No.
It is hard to figure out how much Christmas needs to cost, but right now it is at least $1k. As I have said in the past, my wife wants a Coach purse so that’s what ended up happening. Turns out you can’t have a Coach purse without the matching wallet to go with it. Grand total for all of this was $700 and yes it went on a credit card. So much for paying down the credit card debt this year, a lot of progress is lost.
I’m not sure why I let things go on the way they do. Why do I even have a blog about trying to pay debt when it’s become this up and down rollercoaster of a mess? I don’t want to shut down the blog though, it is there for my own personal use but I’m open to comments. Christmas has become a holiday that I dread when it comes because of how bombarded we are by it every year. In October before Halloween even came, Christmas stuff started to be available in the stores. I’m just overwhelmed when it comes to trying to figure out what this year is going to cost us and how we’re going to pay the bills. The EF is going to probably be drained empty this time because I cannot figure out how to things.
Starting out January next year will be a challenge to rebuild the EF back to 1k. On a positive note my wife will be done with school and actually bringing in some real income once again. I hope she gets a job that pays much better than anything she has had previously because an income boost would really help us clean up the mess. Otherwise I am going to take more drastic means when it comes to handling our money.
Currently we share one checking account which all the money goes in and all the money comes out. If we do not figure out a good system using our income together, we’re going to have separate checking accounts and the household account we both contribute to for the mortgage and bills. I really don’t want things to come to that because I want to work together with money but things are going in different directions. I don’t think income is the problem, it’s the spending we have different viewpoints. These are the things I’m pondering lately and don’t know what will happen.
Why did you buy your wife the purse?
I am of the belief that once you get married, things become ours not yours or mine . The minute you and your wife have separate accounts, there’s going to be a different set of problems that you will have to deal with. For instance, what if she overdrafts her accounts? Being the nice guy that you are, you will cover her fees. Or what if she spends all of her money and there is not enough to cover the bills? These are just a couple of things that may come up. Repeat a few more times.
Have you thought about how you would deal with these things?
I don’t get the purse, I just don’t get it…
Fine, Coach handbag and wallet it is. But the wallet is her birthday gift, right? She’s not getting both at Christmas?
I still absolutely advocate counseling for you both. Go separately, go together, but this is not going to go away.
It almost sounds like you need to tighten up and put your wife on an allowance. She cannot be trusted with money. I know this is not a nice thing to suggest, but I will say it so you don’t have to.
Have you shown your wife this blog? Does she understand why you have this goal of being debt-free for your family?
I will keep you both in my prayers for a calm holiday season. I hope that in the New Year, your wife’s job goes well and that the two of you are able to find financial peace.
I really can’t understand $700 on a purse and wallet while trying to get out of debt.
You need to put your foot down with her.
The purse is for Christmas, $400, and the wallet is her birthday (and Valentines Day) $300. I have told her NO for many years and this year I gave in. What I have a problem with is trying to prove to her that things won’t make you happy. She doesn’t always get what she wants, and sometimes I give in to get her to drop it. Lost an earring, got her new ones for Valentines day, wants a dog, tax return got her a puppy (which I now take care of it), our anniversary I got her Coach sunglasses which I bought TWICE due to her car being broken into this summer, broke her iPod, switched cell phone providers and she got an iPhone (I didn’t pay $600 for it either), and now the purse brings it full circle. I’ve been able to pay in full for everything mentioned here other than the purse for Christmas. That will probably take me into mid next year before I get back to November debt levels once again.
I think she’s just more materialistic than I am. When it comes to stuff I got this year, a book for my birthday, a jacket for our anniversary, no idea what she got me for Christmas and I don’t want to know either. Expensive things don’t improve my life or what other people think of me. I think it’s more important to make sure that the mortgage and bills are paid, groceries, and put gas in the car. Whatever is left over could better be used to pay debt, but it isn’t used that way.
My wife doesn’t know about the blog, as far as I know or even care, because the idea of becoming debt free is beyond her frame of thinking. We have credit cards, student loans, a mortgage, and it will take decades to pay it off and become debt free in her eyes. Why pay off debt when you can enjoy the money now? I usually try to rebuttal that if we didn’t have debt, we would have more money. This blog is for mostly for me to discuss the debt and paying on it.
Wow. I’ve been reading this for a while and I’ve been biting my tongue but boy howdy, are you a sucker. You have two problems - your wife who treats you like a parent (”I want it now daddy! I want it now!!”) and the fact that you let her get away with it. You are married to a giant sink hole of debt and as stressed and powerless as you feel worse, imagine how much worse it’s going to be when she you have a couple kids in the house and not only is she demanding Coach purses for herself, but your little pricess picks up on the habit as well. And your wife isn’t going to want to work with the little ones at home either.
The way I see it (as an outside observer) is that you either a)tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and toxic for your relationship because it is or b) get ok with the fact that you will go to your grave with credit card debt.
Kick her in the ass and take the purse and wallet back. If she doesn’t learn that way, kick her to the curb!
I think we should reserve judgement on wifey until a picture of her is posted.
Coach sunglasses, ipod, iphones, purses, wallets…you spend way too much money, and that’s your fault.
Still the question: Why did you buy her the purse? You are in debt, you want to get out, you are the one buying the gift. I’m just curious why you, knowing your situation, spent so much on a Christmas gift.
Jim, do you feel like you and your wife are on the same team in life? Meaning you’re working together on your goals (not just debt) and have a way of communicating? Or are you parallel to each other on different tracks? Would you be one of those teams on “The Amazing Race” that people watch for the trainwreck?
I have to say from experience that in the long term, not being on the same team leads to heartache and breakups.
I also think some counseling might be a good idea, like the other poster suggested.
Some of you people need to stop ripping on my wife. I don’t post pictures and don’t believe in divorce.
Chris thanks for pointing out that I spend a lot of money. All she wanted for Christmas this year was a Coach purse, that’s why I got the purse.
Kerry your comment about that show, you would be able to tell we’re married to say the least. I like to compromise but she does not, and then I end up in a lose lose situation.
Right now I hope this is just a phase and she will wake up and smell the pile one day. That probably won’t happen unless things get so bad the bills don’t get paid. Right now our checking account is under $100 and I don’t get paid for a week. Spending is a huge issue and even though I try to be optimistic, things appear to get worse before they get better. This is why I suggested separate accounts to force self control. She would probably overdraw her account just like she forgets to make payments on time to her credit cards and late fees don’t seem to be a problem. I have managed paying her credit cards on top of my own that way things stay current. I’m doing too much for her and don’t know when she will accept some responsibility.
We could go to counseling but I think it will just point out communication as our problem. Sometimes I’m tired of talking, or rather complaining, about this that and the other. Maybe things will change when she gets into a career mode and we can figure what we’re going to do now to prepare for a family.
Apologies for the picture comment. To me this sounds like it could easily get to the stage where she starts taking out CC’s and building up debt _without_ your knowledge. You guys obviously have vastly different priorities and you need to get a handle on her ASAP before things turn sour. Perhaps selling the house soon might be a good idea as that would be a good moment to completely seperate your finances and credit.
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We could go to counseling but I think it will just point out communication as our problem. Sometimes I’m tired of talking, or rather complaining, about this that and the other. Maybe things will change when she gets into a career mode and we can figure what we’re going to do now to prepare for a family.
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Any problems that you have will worsen with children. If you can’t cope now, adding a child (when she can’t even handle a dog!) will exacerbate any issues that are already killing you.
Seriously, you say above that communication is a problem for the two of you. You’ve identified the problem and you’re not willing to ask help from a professional to solve it? You do your own root canal, too?
Go to counseling! Either you go by yourself, or you go together with her. Find a good counselor, if only so that you have support and encouragement. The counselor can give you techniques and ideas for your relationship that might really help you.
You may not believe in divorce, but keep in mind that it does happen to marriages anyways and she will leave your credit rating in shreds. There is something very wrong here, at the root of your relationship. You need to fix it. Money is the symptom.
Please keep in mind that you are only in the beginning of your debt payoff journey. There are bound to be setbacks and Christmas/Birthdays tend to be deal breakers. It may seem like all you’ve worked for in the past few months is going down the drain but at least you’re aware and that is what counts, imo.
I would suggest putting away $25/month starting in January as a Christmas fund. It may not be much but when the time rolls around, it will be handy.
Also, with your wife finishing school soon, hopefully there will be some relief on the horizon.
Keep plugging away Jim, you’ll get there!
Well I probably deserved it, but now I know exactly how you feel! Yesterday wifey tags along with 2 friends who are getting professional photos done, the kind where they do all your hair and makeup and crap. You can probably guess what happened next. $450 on the credit card! What a kick in the teeth!
Coming from a male perspective, I have looked around for advice regarding the shopping habits of women. Not in any way do I associate shopping as a hobby only women do, but I think a large majority of women do enjoy shopping. My wife went shopping over the weekend with $100 to spend for Christmas. When we went shopping that is where I got caught by the purse. We’re both very aware of how much it costs and I still can’t help but feel guilty. I’m going to post something along the lines of can I afford my wife?
“Kerry your comment about that show, you would be able to tell we’re married to say the least. I like to compromise but she does not, and then I end up in a lose lose situation.”
Jim, this comment makes me sad because it’s not what marriage can be like and it sounds so sad and unhappy. elevatorfalls is right–it’s not failure to seek counseling and frankly doing it now, before you have kids, is the best time to fix the problems in your marriage. Sometimes we need help to learn how to talk to the people we love most, and it will just get harder as time goes on.
My parents were very well to do, & then due to circumstances beyond our control - political upheaval, we became very poor in my teenage years (didn’t even dare to spend money on juices). Now we’ve been well again (earning past 6 figures). From what I’ve been through and what we now got, in my eyes, considering the amount of debt, except mortgage, that you owe and the amount of money you spend on such 1 gift (even $100 gift), I think it’s exceedingly unreasonable. You two indeed have very different views of life ways. But now you’re married, the way to do is to compromise. I suggest you tell her this: You both meet each other half way, i.e., you spend half of what she wants, and she does anything to save up to pay half of what you intend to pay on debts by your deadline. If you understand her position - how much she wants the purse, ask her to understand your headache and worry too - she may not fathom how much the debt bothers you. If you propose to meet each other half way, she has to figure out where to cut, what not to buy. Without a plan, it is hard for her to see the end of the tunnel.
When my family fell into hard times, I was too young to believe there’d be better days. But I am a living proof that there can be better days to buy a $700 purse
When we first got a lot of money again, I spent without keeping track of any budget. But now I go back to the frugal way my mom was when we were poor. She gave me a lesson by doing it. I did not take it right away, but I watched and it’s inside me. When children come, the spending habit tends to worsen, as there are a lot of things to buy for them. Solve this now.
Good lucks!
Jim,
My husband and I are basically where you are with regard to debt ($1,500 student loan, $1,500 old credit card, $9,000 car) and I’m really concerned about your marriage. It sounds like you love your wife, but financial issues are causing you to lose your respect for her. There’s no way that you can escape debt unless you have the same goals and are on the same team. Years ago, my husband was the responsible, bill-paying, non-spending spouse, and I was the free-wheeling, high-living spouse who never opened the credit card statement. Eventually, I started listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio and read his book “The Total Money Makeover” a couple times. At some point, it dawned on me that we needed to get rid of our debt, get aggressive about our retirement and build up significant savings before buying a house, and that it was going to be a long, hard road. Starting in October, my husband and I started having a monthly budget meeting. My husband still does the bills, but I’m keeper of the budget, and we both work on his retirement. We have a budget with a list of expenses (rent, private school tuition, renter’s insurance, life insurance, car insurance, car, Sallie Mae, credit card debt, phone/internet, electricity, cell, natural gas, water, haircuts, dental/medical, school lunch, seasonal expenses, Netflix, housecleaning, gasoline, clothes, groceries/msc., babysitting, charity) and we spend no money without taking it out of one of those categories. This is our third month of having a detailed budget and spending no more than we make. Barring some huge emergency, we will pay off all our debts within two years at the rate of about $500 a month, at which point we start saving the same amount that we used to use on payments (for a 3-6 month emergency fund, house fund, retirement fund and college fund). Two years feels like a long time, so hopefully we will be able to speed it up.
Please have a meeting with your wife so that you can share your financial goals for your household. You might want to meet with a financial advisor who can tell you both how much you need in your retirement in order to sustain your current standard of living, as well as how much you need to eventually save for your children’s college, and what that translates into in terms of monthly savings. I agree with the commenters upthread that the two of you are going to find parenthood a huge financial shock, especially with the spending patterns you have established.
Sometimes holidays like this are meant to be enjoyed by giving.
I personally don’t worry about how much I give because, I believe in the principle of give and it shall be given unto you.
I hope that at some point your wife will come on board with the debt reduction plans- it sounds like she is still very young, so it’s probably just a matter of time. At the moment for her it is still a case of “champagne tastes on a beer income” (do you use that expression in the US? I’m from New Zealand and that’s what we call it).
In our case my husband didn’t work for most of this year but had some savings, received some unemployment benefits and got a job in October. He built up some credit card debt buying things he needed for his new job before he got a full paycheque and I have some debt on my cards due to overspending earlier this year which I have almost paid off.
In this situation I would never in my wildest dreams ask my husband to buy me $700 worth of presents. I got slippers and an i-Tunes store card from him this year and am perfectly happy.
Your wife has the idea that she “needed” the Coach bag and purse, she couldn’t see it any other way. I in the past have had the feeling that I “needed” a certain item of clothing etc, but I have come to realise that these are just wants, not needs, and now I can stop myself from wasting money on these things since I have a “beer income”.
Once your wife realises there is a difference between needs and wants she will be on the same wavelength as you. Until that happens it is going to be difficult. Keep at the debt reduction though, even slow progress is better than no progress at all, or worse, going backwards.
Here’s an (I hope helpful) suggestion: does the phrase Really Great Deal mean anything to your wife? Because it does to lots of women, me included. That’s why I shop at thrift stores: nice stuff, tags still on, and if you decide you don’t like it, you wasted under $5 rather than 29.99 !! Also I look at craigslist: just bought some craft supplies for $10 which were in like-new condition and cost over $40 at the craft store. 75% percent off is about what I want to spend !! Now I know you can get in trouble with thrift shopping and craigslist, too, but a whole lot slower than retail. So I’m just wondering if turning your wife onto these sorts of deals will help, rather than going absolutely Cold Turkey on Spending in the new year?
Just out of curiosity I went and looked, and in my area there are a lot of authentic Coach items on craigslist for under $250, matching wallet included. (Uh oh, I’ve never cared about designer bags, but now I’m wondering how cute they are?)
I don’t get what use a Coach wallet is it you don’t have money to put in it…..I would rather have my cheapo wallet full of money.
Crystal
Grand total for all of this was $700!
OUCH!
But she’s a lady, so I understand..
This is what I do, I give my wife $200 dollar allowance for every paycheck, $400 total per month, she’s free to do what she wants with this money, I have no say on it. She’s welcome to save this money or spend it. She loves coach but she’s never bought a single purse with this money, she prefers GUESS.
Ask her if she likes GUESS purses, they range in $60 to $80.