It’s all about Love and Money
I’m not sure what it is with relationships and money, there is never enough of one or the other. It seems for us when money is there our relationship is good, but as the money runs low or out for the month, it leads to problems and not talking. Why does money have so much power in a relationship?
I think there is a difference between poor and broke. My wife feels that when we run low or out of money we’re not doing any better than poor people. This bothers me big time because I define poor people as lazy and lack the ability to make money. There is a difference in poor and broke, and broke is temporary. We don’t really have a budget or spending plan as some people call them, so after the important bills and such are paid the remaining is used for the day to day. Eating out and clothing seem to be trending as our largest monthly expenses. I’m also finding it highly frustrating that I make a large amount of effort to stay on top of the money.
A friend of mine actually suggested to stop doing everything and let her take it over. I could do this but I cannot say that I would put it out of mind and would be keeping tabs that everything got properly paid for the month. The last thing I need is a bunch of people calling us because they show we did not pay a bill. What I really want to do is for us to work together when it comes to paying the bills and staying on top of the money. She can see what comes in and what goes out, and what little is left if any.
My wife suggested doing separate checking accounts which would split the money to my money and her money, no longer our money. I don’t agree with this because the common household expenses and bills would have to be split based on the income levels between us to make it fair. This almost reduces us to a roommate status living in the house together. The other things like taxes would also be separate on top of that. I am avoiding doing this like the plague.
I’ve taken on a lot more work lately and could very well possible be getting promoted which also comes with a pay increase. It would be nice to utilize extra pay and bonuses wisely in order to pay off debt faster. The problem that always comes up with lump sums of money is my wife almost mentally spends it before it hits the bank. I don’t seem to have much of any control over the extra money, which bothers me. Obviously this cannot continue because it isn’t working for either of us.
Please don’t bother mentioning marriage counseling because it is very expensive for a Dr. Phil to tell us we have a communication problem. I am fully aware of the problem it is more how we can solve it and work together. It’s difficult to keep putting myself on the line wanting to work with her, and she just tells me to keep doing what we’re doing. For the next month I would like us to do a spending activity where we will track every cent we spend every day for a month and identifying if it is a need or a want. At the end of the month we will see what is happening with the spending patterns. I would like to develop a spending plan or budget that we could actually follow, but it hard to solve the problem unless there is evidence of a problem.
Money has such power in a relationship because a lot of people equate money with status and security. It sounds like both you and your wife prescribe to this belief.
She is a spender and feels “poor” if she doesn’t have money, whether it’s temporary or not. She wants to spend it so she looks “rich” to society’s eyes and it probably makes her feel good. Other’s see her nice clothes, nice things and, for some reason, think she’s a better, more interesting person.
You also prescribe to this belief, which to me is evident when you detail the difference between broke and poor. You also attribute the amount of money you have to your social status. Where your wife is a spender, you are a saver. The end product is the same though - you both want the money so you can reflect to others that you are “rich”. God forbid anyone would look at you and think you were poor.
I think what you two need to do is talk about this issue. Do you understand when she says she feels uncomfortable when the bank balance gets down to zero? Does she understand when you say you cannot sit by and watch her go out and spend willy nilly with no thought to your debt? Each of these things bothers both of you, but are each of you acknowledging those feelings and giving them the respect they deserve?
You should not strive for a compromise but strive for a win-win situation.
Perhaps she will be perfectly fine with you taking care of all the finances as long as she gets a little bit of money every month that she can spend on what ever she wants - and you won’t make her feel guilty for it. Is that a win win situation? Maybe - if you are both happy with it.
I agree with your friend to let your wife handle all the finances. I really hate to say this but I think that your wife needs a reality check and perhaps by taking over ALL the bill paying for a month or two, it will open her eyes up to the fact that you both need to be careful with how you spend your money. Is your wife bringing in any income at all right now? As a woman, I understand wanting to own nice clothes and to look nice BUT if you’re in debt, she needs to learn it’s not all about her and her wants. It’s about getting financiallt fit as a couple.
What really worked for my DH when he was spending a lot of money, was to have him take over bill paying. There were weeks where I would cringe while waiting for my bank’s web site to load up but it made him realize by him spending every single cent we made, we didn’t have enough for bills. It stopped him cold turkey. It might help your wife.
Good luck.
It might not that be that bad having her try to pay the bills for a couple of months. Once she sees how fustrating it can be at times, maybe a light bulb might go off. My husband told me this past week that he didn’t realize how many seperate bills I was paying and how much. When I gave all the information to my DMP agent, was when my huband actually connected the dots. Maybe your wife is more visually and has to see it for herself. I swear when I used to talk to my husband about bills and income it went in one ear and out the other. But now he knows and maybe your wife might get it to. You can try. You have nothing to lose. Good luck.
Kellie, maybe I wasn’t clear about this term. You are not poor when you run out of money, that’s broke.
poor - having little or no money, goods, or other means of support: a poor family living on welfare. Law. dependent upon charity or public support. Meagerly supplied or endowed with resources or funds. Characterized by or showing poverty.
The comments were interesting this time. I’m going to try letting her take care of the bills since taking care of it isn’t working. She knows that our lifestyle probably exceeds our income, but it feels more like a sense of entitlement or expectations. I know I can’t expect this to go away over night, but it would be nice for us to get control of our money earlier in life rather than later.
Another thing would be nice is to figure out a budget for next month that way the money has a purpose from the start. My guidelines of course are to ensure the house and utilities are accounted for no matter what. Then the lifestyle aspects can come in but we need to stay current on our plastic. We used to put the rest of a month on plastic and it made me sick, so there is no more doing that. The EF is always there to allow for wiggle room in the event something unexpected comes up, but that is last resort.
I might do some additional side work to generate some extra cash for Christmas. We’ve saved some money but it isn’t going to be enough. I’m making a list and then a dollar amount we intend to spend. This way we can keep a log of what we’re spending, estimated and actual, and what we got for whom. This is the challenge of Christmas. I like New Years more because that clears the slate.
I think tracking your spending and then later on going through the list and seeing whether it is a need or want, is a good idea. I’ve been doing that for months now, and it has really made me think about my purchases. Is it something I really need (i.e. recent purchase of socks for work) or something I could do w/o or less of (starbucks).
You also mentioned that eating out and buying clothes seem to be your biggest expense. I agree with the other posters…how about giving your wife a small allowance that she can use for spending. This is separate from the money on your bottom line after the bills are paid, which is to be used for misc expenses for the rest of the month. So when she goes shopping with this money, don’t ask any questions, and at least the rest of the household money isn’t touched. If she spends it in one weekend then oh well, she has to wait till the next one. I realize this is like treating her as if she were a kid but it seems like she still has an immature view of how money works. Also maybe it’ll make her think twice before purchasing random items…i.e. if she wants a nice coat, maybe she’ll hold on to the money she has now and add it to next month’s “allowance”. She would still be able to get what she wants, but it will teach her patience and get her away from the sense of entitlement and wanting stuff NOW.
For your eating out, how about also setting a fixed amount of money for this purpose too. Maybe good for two dinners a month (so everytime you get paid you can take her out). My fiance and I also loved to eat out a lot, practically every weekend but we cut back because we were spending so much on it. Now we only do it every other week during payday. And we balance it out by cooking the rest of the week.
As a female I do understand your wife’s tendencies, I love shopping and designer things too (I was reading through your old posts and I felt for her when her dooney purse got stolen) but there has to be a balance. Not all us girls can afford to go shopping like Paris Hilton. As much as we want nice things it’ll take time to acquire them by either saving up for it or just doing without, or going for a cheaper alternative. Most of my credit card debt came from buying Juicy clothes, Coach bags, etc and I’m still paying for it!
Coming from the other end of the spectrum, my late husband REFUSED to handle the bills and it put a huge burden on me. As long as they were being handled, he could do what he wanted.
Letting her handle the bills for a few months might lift some of your burden and possibly get her on the same page.
On another note- what if something were to happen to you and she couldnt even pay the bills? You are giving her lessons in how to take care of herself in the event that you are not there.
If I had passed away instead of my husband, his bill paying skills would have taken him to bankruptcy court!
Jim - Nope I think I understood it. You’re wife feels poor when the bank balance nears zero, this bothers you because you see a difference between being poor and being temporarily broke. To me, even thinking about the differences between broke and poor indicates you feel how much money you have is a status symbol.
I think there is a difference between poor and broke. My wife feels that when we run low or out of money we’re not doing any better than poor people. This bothers me big time because I define poor people as lazy and lack the ability to make money. There is a difference in poor and broke, and broke is temporary.
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There is a huge difference when associating money with status. The difference between broke and poor is broke is temporary, while poor is not. What I am stating is I don’t like her to use the term poor when we run out of money, that’s broke. The so called rich people with huge houses don’t necessarily have wealth either, they spent it on a big house and nice things. At the same time they’re not poor either because even though they’re broke, it’s temporary.
You can get to poor pretty quickly if you just stop going to work, doing anything with your life, and expecting someone else (i.e. Government) to fix your problems. There is no way to solve a problem unless you get mad at it and do something. The excuse that bothers me the most are the ones who complain about not having a job because they don’t have a car, and can’t get a car because they don’t have a job. Life can be so unfair to some it seems.
The last thing I should point out that the point of money is to spend it. Regardless if you spend it yourself, save it accumulate more to spend later, or give it away for someone else to spend, it only serves one purpose. Money is finite in that there is only so much of it. The average American family makes 40k a year, roughly $2M (not adjusted) in a lifetime, it all has to go somewhere.
Yes Jim, I understand your definition of poor and broke. I’m not disputing that.
You obviously associate the word poor with a negative description - so you don’t want your wife using that word because to you being poor means you are lazy, aren’t doing anything with your life, and expect the government to fix your problems. That’s what you’ve said in your posts.
You don’t want anyone thinking you are poor - case in point, your wife. Basically you are saying it goes poor people, then broke people, then middle of the road people, then rich people. To me this all has to do with your status in society. You don’t want your wife to think you are poor because of the negative connotations you associate with it.
Also, I could go into a long tirade about your single minded idea of poor people and why they are poor but that’s for another time. Not everything is so cut and dry. Not everyone has access to the same resources you may take for granted.
I also don’t think the only way to solve a problem is to get mad and then do something about it. Getting mad does not have to be in the equation.
I think your idea of tracking every cent for a month is a great one, but, will your wife do it? If she will consent to tracking every expense and at the end of the month, seeing the results and from that forming a manageable budget, then go for it.
If not, then there are places to get financial counseling free. Many large churches have financial planning classes. Check out Crown Ministries on the web for a class near you. Again, its FREE and could help you not only set up a realistic budget but you’d get the communication issues solved too.
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There is a old saying,you can take the horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You don’t need to track every penny you spend. Money will not flow to you if, your mindset is concentrating on every penny you spend. Allow the universal law to flow. What you give to the world, you shall receive from the world.If anyone would like to visit,my blog at.http://www.debitconsolidation1.com
I know you don’t want to hear about marriage counseling, but dude, you really need it. You guys really need to be on the same page for when you enter major turbulence and trust, it’s coming (no one can avoid it). Money will come and go, but your relationship is the most important thing.
You mentioned that money can influence your relationship … well, imagine if you lost your job … it would be horrible for both of you without a strong foundation.
I’m not saying this without lack of experience. I’ve been to couples counseling as well as individual counseling. Most of the time, it was covered under a health plan. Other times, I paid out of pocket. And let me tell you … it was the best money I ever spent. IMHO, money is better invested in your relationship than your debt. You’d be amazed what you can accomplish when both of your goals are aligned.