$300 weekend
I feel financially defeated this month already and the month has barely started. My wife’s friend had a birthday party this past Saturday and invited us downtown to celebrate with her. Since according to my wife that we never do anything fun, we had to go do this. I got my paycheck two days early so there was some money available now.
The weekend started with Friday going to the mall (I HATE MALLS!) and eating out at Subway ($13). Then we had to go shopping because I guess I needed a shirt. I got two shirts at the GAP ($62) I hope she won’t mind me wearing for at least two years. At least we went home after that.
Saturday brought the bulk of the expense. I got a haircut at a place down the street ($16) and my wife got her nails done ($40) at a salon she frequents, to her credit this is semi budgeted. Had to fill up the car with gas ($32) and got cash out of the ATM ($100) to bring with us. Drove to downtown Chicago, north side and searched for public parking for 45 minutes so we could stay with a friend (FREE!). Got some drinks ($15 from $100 cash leaving $85) and ate pizza (my friend covered it) and got ready to go out. We decided to take a cab to the lounge ($10 from cash, $75 left). This is where the fun part came in. For $35 a person, cover, drinks, included, to get into the place ($70 gone from cash, $5 bucks left). My wife and I made sure to get our money’s worth out of that though and after about 10 drinks I was good, my wife could still hold her own at 6. By now it’s roughly 2:30 in the morning downtown and we leave the bar and go to her friend’s new apartment. We decided to get some greasy food to go with our booze and I ended up using some random ATM and paid the fee ($20 cash plus $3 fee, whatever the food cost). We had to take a cab back to our friend’s apartment at 4 in the morning (used the last of cash).
Sunday my wife and I were probably slightly hung over from exercising a barely used drinking muscle but were able to function, just not very efficiently. We rolled out of my friends place around 1 in the afternoon and at lunch ($15) and then headed home. I didn’t do much of anything yesterday so I will have to do more today to make up for the loss of a weekend.
We still have bills to pay and need to keep on top of other things and now I feel down $300 starting out. I have a feeling we’re going to be eating at home all month and really watching the money situation for this month now. It is difficult for some reason for me to convey to my wife bills and expenses should be considered before other stuff, but that isn’t always the case. She still wants to move downtown but there is no way we could do this kind of thing every weekend. This month our cell phone plan is also up so that means we will be getting new phones as soon as possible. I just wish I knew how we were going to pay for them without causing a fight, but more on that later.
You two really need to get on the same page. I would suggest that your wife read “Your Money or Your Life”. I think she needs to understand that your debt holds you hostage to your house, and your jobs. By having $11,000 in debt (and from what I understand that doesn’t include her debt or student loans), you have 11000 extra points of stress. If you lost your job tomorrow, what would you do? If you wife doesn’t finish graduate school, where is she qualified to work? She needs to get a full-time teaching job pronto and that means finishing grad school. (And just as an aside, I’m a teacher, too, and I have always worked at least ten hours a week at either a retail or waitressing job)
If you two are on the same page and working towards the same goal, you will find resources (not just financial, but mental/emotional), strength and focus that comes from supporting each other. Right now, it sounds like your household must be very tense with a push/pull of not working together. You have to play the bad guy all the time and neither of you like it.
Does your wife realize that if you weren’t carrying debt that she could have the Coach sunglasses, the new dining room table and whatever else she wants and pay cash for it? Being out of debt is freedom. Look at how much money you’re paying towards unsecured debt every month and think what you could have bought with that. Instead, you’re paying for dinner from January. (Maybe you’re not, but I am…)
Life as sponsored by Visa is lovely with material goods, but eventually Visa wants its money back.
I’ve re-read my comment above and I’m worried that I come off as really harsh. The main reason is because I’m a little frustrated (and if I’m frustrated as an observer, I can only imagine how you are feeling). I’ve been reading your blog since it started and it just seems like maybe you’re not ready to get rid of your debt. It’s scary to get rid of debt. Debt is comfortable. I have been in debt since college. Meaning for close to half my life, I have had debt. Trying to imagine my life without debt, a place to put my money every month frightened me. And after consolidation loan here, consolidation loan there, getting rid of the car, adding a job, adding another job, thinking about it, it’s only in the last nine months that I’ve gotten serious about getting rid of my debt. I’m about halfway there. Imagine that, I had close to over 20000 in debt and after ten months, I’ve paid almost half of it off. If I had started sooner, I might already be out of debt. But, I had to be ready for it. It wasn’t until I found a grad school opportunity that I really wanted that I found the motivation to get out of debt. The program would have been absolutely impossible if I had had any type of consumer debt. I ended up not getting in, but it was the wake up call that I needed that my debt was keeping me from doing the things that I want. I’m not kidding when I say that Visa sponsored my life. I’ve got great photos and souvenirs and I’m still paying stuff off from probably years ago.
While I have tried to cut expenses, I still like wine with dinner and the new edition of Serenity has been ordered. I may not be a Coach person, but my goal is to be able to buy one nice thing per season at the Max Mara store (not on sale). Being out of debt and circumspect with your money doesn’t mean not having pretty things you enjoy. It seems to me like you and your wife really need sit down and figure out where you want to be a few years down the road. Once you have an end goal in mind, it’s easier to figure out how you’re going to get there.
Best of luck! I will keep reading and hoping good things for you and your wife.
This blog is pretty much for me because my wife is not on board with getting rid of debt. I think that is what makes this more difficult because as I try to lower my balances, hers have a tendency to go up when the money runs low. Sure I can control my own habits and view on how money should be used, but it is complicated to convey certain things to her. She wants the quick solution to get out of debt, like winning the lottery or something. I don’t have a quick solution.
Our situation is unique in that I’m in my career already and rolling along like the regular W2 would. My wife on the other hand is trying to finish school and get her thing going. She does work full time while she was in school and for the summer, but she isn’t working much more than weekends this fall. Our income will go way down and I can’t keep the ship stable with the current spending habits. If we are always running behind we will never get ahead, so this situation isn’t working well.
I guess what causes me more stress is the need to move before she gets school done. The market sucks right now and I’m faced with no choice but to borrow some cash to bring to closing just in order to sell my house if we get a buyer. I really like my house and the area is growing but the market just isn’t moving much. My wife likes the city because there’s so much stuff around but doesn’t realize that it is going to become more difficult. Some of the simple things are going to take more time and probably cost more. I think I would have been better with living in the city right out of college but we settled in the suburbs.
We have life sponsored by Visa and a lot of priceless stuff we have done in the past. Thanks for reading though and I appreciate your comments.
Hi, I just found your blog today while searching for blogs in which folks are writing about their experiences in getting out of debt.
I have a quick question. Where did you get the Debt-O-Meter that you have at the top-right of your blog? I’d like to put that on my debt blog (currently being established).
I was going to comment on this post but I reconsidered because I haven’t had the opportunity to read through everything else yet.
I look forward to visiting your blog when I get home and then being able to make a legitimate observation.
I wouldn’t put all the blame on your wife. You spent $60 for 2 t-shirts at the Gap! I agree with elevator that it looks like you recognize the problem, want to do something about it, but are finding it difficult to change your lifestyle.
So far you’ve accumulated debt by living beyond your means. Now to get rid of the debt you have to live far below your means, a huge change in your lifestyle. There is no quick fix and no trick. You cut your spending, you (both) work extra. It takes years; it’s hard work. You will need to work hard to keep peace in your marriage (which is why I recommend counseling). You don’t get fancy meals or expensive anniversaries (unless you pay in cash and have saved up), no partying or late night spending fests, no fancy sunglasses, clothes, electronic gizmo’s or cars.
You want to sell your house, but selling means moving into the city to be near more “stuff”, which means more spending. You are going to create even more debt by selling your house - just from the sale.
You don’t need a quick fix, you need to change your behavior. I don’t think the problem has anything to do with money.
I know all your readers (myself included) are rooting for you!
Chris I have shirts I already owned that I planned to wear but I wasn’t aware I needed more. Without the situation of going out would remove the need to even buy the stupid shirts in the first place.
While I agree with mostly everything you have said regarding reducing lifestyle to near nothing, my wife would not have any of that. A huge change to lifestyle would cause a major rift to form where I think things would get worse before they get better. There is a fine line between living how I think we should live and how she feels we should live.
You cannot just suggest we stay cooped up in our house, live on nothing, and that will fix the problem. Sure I could work a couple jobs, 80-100 hours a week, but is that really going to improve the situation? It is very easy to say by not doing anything you’ll have money. My wife and I see money differently. I like to forecast what needs to be done when and my wife looks at the moment. So if friends are doing something she wants to be a part of it, regardless of whether or not the money is there to do it. This is where the management of things falls apart because I have to readjust things in order to make it all work, and believe me I let her know when that happens.
I’m not sure about counseling because I don’t need them to tell me there is a communication problem between us. There is debt and I don’t make enough money is the biggest complaint I deal with every day. This isn’t going to be simple or quick to fix. The problem is money because that is the major factor that has come between us, which is dangerous. If we could get on the same page regarding how to go about managing money I think a lot of other things would be able to balance out.
Jim,
You are not alone when it comes to different views on money with your wife. A lot of couples deal with this including myself. My place right now is that I AM ready to get rid of the debt and live below my means but my husband is not quite there yet. For example, we had a semi-fight last week that if he works overtime he should be entitled to some spending money per week. I told him that was really stupid. Here we are in debt but yet he wants to go out with a couple of friends every week, have DirectTV NFL ticket, leave early from work sometimes, and buy miscellaneous stuff. I had a serious talk with him over this past week, which I think you should do the same with your wife. I told him that I can’t do this alone. And his irresponsibility and laziness is pretty much crippling us. I don’t believe we need a counselor either. You don’t need someone to tell you where the problem lies if you already know. If we can’t get on the same page, then that is something I will have to look at later on in life. But what I did is come up with a budget and payment plan for our debt. I make a deal with him that if he promises to work hard, I will give him some money for himself so he doesn’t feel deprived. But there is going to have to be some give or take. Like Chris said parties, trips, and special occasions should be budgeted for. We want to go on a trip next year. I told my husband the only way we are going to go is if we work some serious overtime without interferring with my debt budget. I felt like I was nagging him. He knows we are in debt but he didn’t want to hear about it. I told him he has to listen because or future is at stake.
Try coming up with a plan that your wife can agree to. Good luck.
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While I agree with mostly everything you have said regarding reducing lifestyle to near nothing, my wife would not have any of that. A huge change to lifestyle would cause a major rift to form where I think things would get worse before they get better. There is a fine line between living how I think we should live and how she feels we should live.
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This paragraph sums it up. And it’s not a fine line between how you think you should live and how she thinks you should live, it’s a chasm, a gorge, a deep canyon.
You need to get her on your side. You don’t have the money to move out of the house. You don’t have the money for another weekend like you just had.
If you haven’t clipped the tags off the Gap shirts, or even if you have, take them back. As long as they’re unworn, return them and get your money back.
Your wife is living in a Visa-sponsored fantasy and she needs to wake up. Have the two of you sat down together and looked at your finances as a team, not his debt/her debt, but OUR debt? If there is a communication problem, or a vision problem (as in the two of you don’t share the same long term goals) ask her where she sees you in three years and what her plan is for getting the two of you there.
And maybe babystep your way to debt-free. Pick a small thing and say, “hey! If we only go out to dinner once a week this month, and we skip out on such and such and do this (ideally free thing, but maybe just much cheaper alternative), we could pay off such and such a debt in two months!!!” She can see that through small changes to lifestyle that it can have an impact on debt and bringing the two of you closer to the lifestyle you want.
Invite your friends out to yours for a potluck slumber party with a barbecue and beer and a nice breakfast in the morning. That way your friends come to you, no one has to drive, and you have a great weekend.
Good luck!
I say see a counselor not because they can tell you that you have a problem with your opinions on money. That’s a given! Marriage counselors have a bad rap, as if going to one somehow means something is wrong that you can’t fix. My wife and I see our counselor once a year. It’s refreshing to talk to someone with an objective perspective about our various little problems, someone who deals with marriages day in and day out. Sometimes it just takes a professional to give us a new look on something, and suddenly the problem is solved!
I think of it as an annual checkup.
I think Wallowgirl sums up what I’m going through. When it comes to money I have always been conservative and a saver but I like buying big things with saved money. She goes after things when she wants them and then tries to remind herself to put extra money towards her credit card payment to justify it. I don’t mind spending money when we have it, but I do sacrifice a lot of things I want so that when she buys things she wants we have money to attempt to pay for them.
Time and time again I have tried to put together a budget, spending plan, whatever you would call the document with numbers on it. I give it to my wife and ask her to look over it. The problem we run into is she feels that the budgeted amount and the actual spent is a guideline and it’s okay if one category goes beyond the amount. Needless to say the excess amounts spent on other things come out of what was available to put towards credit card payments. So what ends up happening is we only focus on the minimums to get to the next month.
Take this weekend for example, half of that amount could be accounted for because it falls into categories, but about $150 has no category and is pretty much lost this month. I don’t want to feel like I lost money so I guess this is why the weekend bothers me so much. At one point I used to live for weekends but now I can’t wait to survive the month.
My wife does recognize that there is a money problem sometimes. When I tell her there’s only X dollars in the checking account and she looks at me wondering where it went, and I know exactly where things go, she gets upset that we don’t have enough money. This is where the pushing me to get an extra job and make more money comes in half the time. I could make more money but I don’t think that is going to make this better.
There is a divide between me and my wife on the subject of money. I continue to say us, we, our because the money is one no matter who brings it in. Things like regular monthly bills and such always get paid, I make sure of that. It is the things that happen we have not agreed on and I usually find out after the fact. That is the kind of crap that bothers me the most because it can hit the account at a time that might not be good for that amount to come out. Then it becomes my fault because I did not tell her what was in the account. I don’t know what to do sometimes and I highly doubt a marriage counselor is going to give things a better perspective. I’ve heard things have to get worse before it gets better, so I’m waiting to hit the rock bottom.